I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
