I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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