He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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