If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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