How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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