the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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