Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
