My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Someone came in the potted fern
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
