is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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