My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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