I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
