If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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