only if we run a train.
done.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I love having hate sex.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
