I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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