i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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