why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
