i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Randomize
