i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
