There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
