I wish I could punch you in the face.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
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