i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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