he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
