porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
