I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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