you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
