make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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