Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
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