My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
