An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
