One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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