dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
