oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
