We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
