Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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