; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
