I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
