non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i love accidental penises.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
