The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
