My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
