If that was your dad, he is hot
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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