my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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