In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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