You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
