Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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