I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
