somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
