I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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