What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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