Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
