Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My dick has a subreddit
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize