dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
