Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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