And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
