I faked an abortion last night.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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