Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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