God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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