so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
