what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
