What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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