I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
