May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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