Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
