every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My orgasm happened in two different decades
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
