Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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