I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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