Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
