Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
