oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
