Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
