You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
