I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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