I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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